| Chapter 2. p. 50 First draft Park Ye Jee
Do you know 'Hwang young Jo', 'Lee Bong Joo'? Yes. They are Korean marathon players. Have you ever experienced a marathon? Until this year, I had never thought that I would have a chance to marathon. But in April, one of my friends recommended that I should take part in marathon competition. She said that the competition was hosted by the sport brand 'NIKE' and the accessory brand 'Jestina'. Up to 7000 people could apply and Just a woman whose age is 20s was qualified. I hesitated at first because I don't like running too much. But as my friend said, I thought it could be a good experience and when I become older than now, it would be more difficult to try it. So I decided to be brave. I applied for that competition.
And in May 26, the marathons competition was held in Sang-Am World Cup Ground. When I arrived there, there were a lot of participants. Before the race, at the starting point, entertainers 'Haha', 'No Hong Chul' came here to cheer up the participants. They made players laugh by dancing and saying funny things. And then, the competition began. There were too many players and the road was quite narrow so I couldn't run well at first. So many participants including me just walked fast. The route was connected to the 'Haneul Park' out of Sang Am World Cup Ground. And the destination was the same place as one where we started. So it was total 7km. In the middle of the competition, the gap between participants was getting bigger. And I was becoming out of breath. Besides, my right ankle was little big painful. But in front of me a lot of woman participants were running so I thought I cannot give up here. And finally I arrived at destination in 59minutes. Hand some guys welcomed us at the destination giving us cool water. And as a souvenir, I received a necklace, collaboration piece by 'Nike' and 'Jestina'. Even though it was hard, it was really exciting and it will be unforgettable memory. I thought I could not do this. Because I thought it is really difficult to run 7km in a certain time. But I made it. So I realized before we try something, we don't have to worry if we make mistake or fail. Trying itself is important. In the future, whenever I try a new thing, I will not worry first. I will be brave as I was.
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Sunday, December 30, 2012
200904069 Park Ye Jee
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First, I would like to say that I'm really impressive that you made it! I can say that I like running, but I haven't tried or even thought of doing marathon. That's what I like most about your essay.
ReplyDeleteYour main point seems to me that we should try new things first before we just become scared. Be brave, and do whatever comes into our way! I think that your draft would make everyone who read it feel stronger.
The one line that struck me as powerful is, "But in front of me a lot of woman participants were running so I thought I cannot give up here". I like this line because this line seems to make your story more dramtic; While I was reading the part before it, I thought that you could have given up. However, you didn't give up since you were encouraged to keep going by other female participants.
I also like the way you start your draft by mentioning some well-known marathone players. It helped me think of what you were going to talk about and took attention from me. But, I think you can make it better by connecting it better with the following sentences. Based on what you said, I think this could be as good as your one: Do you know 'Hwang young Jo', 'Lee Bong Joo'? Yes. They are Korean marathon players. we Korean know them even if we don't like marthon. I also do not like running that much. However, can you belive I actually did it?
Finally, I want to thank you for sharing this interesting and awesome experience with me!
What I like about this piece of writing is that the topic is about running. I participate marathon annually held at my university. Every time I run, I always face the limitation and meet the time to choose whether keep going or stop and give up. It is hard decision but It is also the time I can feel i’m still alive. That’s why I like running.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, I can see the vivid picture of you running in the marathon. I can see you complaining about your right ankle, also I can see you watching handsome guys at the final line. I think you have a great talent in describing your own experience.
However I think the weak point is in your topic. Your main point seems ‘trying new thing without fear’. The assignment reads as ‘think of your audience as interested classmates who would like to know more about you and your background. This marathon experience tells us how you overcome your difficulty but nothing more. It seems a little bit weak and plain to tell about you and your background.
Thank you.