| When I was 15years old. I went to USA to study. I didn't realize that I had to live alone without my family until I got the school in USA. Of course I did know I should leave alone but when I got school I did faced the reality and feel lonely so bad. For a month, every day I cried and regretted that I shouldn't have left home. Every day I miss my family and friends in Korea and sick of saying 'are you ok'? As I always cried and said nothing to anyone, I became alone. I didn't talk with anybody and I didn't even go school. Like this, I was living in USA. One day, I went picnic with friends in school. When I was having lunch at the river alone, everybody cried staring the river. Someone was floundering in the river. Suddenly I don't know how I can do it but I jumped at the river. I couldn't even swim well. As soon as I barely got her, we realized that it's very shallow river. After the day, I became like a hero in the school and even in ohio state. When I walked through the road, people came and asked me about the day and praised me. Of course I could make many friends in school. Looking back, it's really dizzy but precious memory in the USA. I really love the days in USA and miss my friends all. |
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Jae min Park 200904071
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What I liked about this piece of writing is the topic, which is a heroin story that I could hardly hear from people!
ReplyDeleteYour main point seems to be that your hard time turned into a precious time through a terrific experience right?
But I'd like to add that it would be better if you describe your change of feeling and how it had been done after the event.
Seongyool Myung
200702094 Chong rim Yoo
ReplyDeleteHow brave! I really liked the topic but it took me so long to realize it. As you have such a great experience how about focusing more an rescuing part? With more dynamic expression! I would like to know how others reaction changed after the event:) good luck with your 2nd draft:)
To: Jae min Park From: Jieun Lee Assignment Ch2 first draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that your material is really interesting because in your studying abroad, that event changed your life there all of a sudden. As you said, this event became very memorable, so I think you can write more interestingly. Also, you described very well how your life changed.
2. Your main point seems to be your unforgettable memory in USA, but there is no lesson or detail feeling you got at that moment. I really agree with that this event is really interesting and valuable, but I think if you emphasize your emotion and lesson you got, this essay can be more specific and draw readers' attention.
3. The words or lines that struck me as powerful are “Someone was floundering in the river. Suddenly I don't know how I can do it but I jumped at the river. I couldn't even swim well.” because it described that urgent situation. Also, I really agree with your saying “sick of “are you okay?” because when I studied abroad last semester, I also felt lonely sometimes. This sentence showed well how hard you were at that time.
4. What isn’t clear to me is that after you said you could make many friends and many people recognized you after that event, you wrote this was your precious memory. I think this event played a role as turning point, but it seems a little bit weak how that moment changed your life.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that I think you can enlarge amount of the essay because I think you couldn’t describe in detail so that readers could imagine and sympathize. If you express what was it like and your emotion in detail, it will be better and besides, if you write what you learned and got from this experiences, it will be more meaningful.
I thought what you wrote made me really curious about your story.It would be better to be more specific after you saved the student. :)
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