201101068 ChaiHyeon Nah
The Most Special Birthday Gift
Every birthday is special, but when it comes to your 18th birthday, it is even more special. You are officially an adult from that day on. So, at the night of 14th of July, 2008, the eve of my 18th birthday, I was really excited because I was able to go to Japan for the field trip with my friends from highschool. I told my friends that my birthday is the 15th of July, and was obviously expecting a surprise party.
The time went on, and it was almost close to the midnight. I took a walk and bought some snacks and beer for my birthday party and came back to the hotel room expecting the cake and the surprise party from my friends. When I entered the room, there were two girls watching the television. I was a little confused because the room was clean, there were absolutely no sign of a "surprise party".
"Guys, I back."
I murmured entering the room, with the bags full of snacks and the beer bottles in my hands.
"Well, ChaiHyeon. What are those in your hands? Where have you been? We've watching this hilarious show, come and join us."
Standing on the door step, alone, I was red like a tomato. I noticed that my friends weren't actually preparing me a surprise party! Maybe they don't even know that my birthday has past 10 minutes away already. I tried hard not to cry because of this kind of silly thing. I tried to sound as cool as possible.
"Well, the thing is… Hey, it's my birthday, today. The July 15th. Remember? You guys are really mean! Come on, I bought some snacks and stuff. I am officially a grown up now so let's drink and hang out all night! Where's everyone?"
"We are so sorry, ChaiHyeon. We didn't know that. Sorry! Um… everyone is actually, the thing is…. they are at the swimming pool in the hotel. Sorry"
I was embarrased even hearing the their excuses. It is my 18th birthday and everybody didn't know that. I didn't know what to say. I looked down and tried to find something cool to say, just to break this awkward moment. But then,
"Ta-Dah! Happy Birthday ChaiHyeon!"
All of my friends were on the door step, holding a cake, with teasing smile on their face. It was "really" a surprise birthday party. They knew that I was expecting a surprise party, so that they've been planning to give me a real surprise party. I've got 18 roses, and a perfume from the boy I secretely liked from a semester ago. However the most happiest gift was, of course, the surprise party that my friends gave me that very special night at Tokyo.
Ah, I can see what you have felt when you thought that your friends didn’t know your birthday. Standing on the door step, alone, I was red like a tomato show your feelings at that time well. And you must be so happy when you realized that it was a trick! I really liked this topic because I never went to foreign countries with my friends. Special place, special friends, special birthday, special surprise party, what an amazing experience.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that you “Guys, I back” should be “I’m back.”, but that is just a minor error. How about explaining about your friends a little bit? I mean, why this friends are so special to you. It can make the readers feel that you must have been really really disappointed when they forgot your birthday.
What I like about this piece of writing is the fact that you try to share a story and the therefrom coming feelings which could happen to anyone in our everyday lives with the readers. Which means your story could be easily and clearly sympathized by readers and it leads to the possiblity of fullness in temptations. Your main point seems to be the change of your feelings in a happening that you went through in the past. A line like you mentioned about yourself having gotten red like a tomato really made me enjoyable about your writing and hope you to do that kind of skill a bit more in this. The only change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is adding some details up like for example you could give more descriptions about your feelings at the respective moments. I think that will improve your writing.
ReplyDeleteFinal draft
ReplyDelete201101068 ChaiHyeon Nah
The Most Special Birthday Gift
Every birthday is special, but when it comes to your 18th birthday, it is even more special. You are officially an adult from that day on. So, at the night of July 14th, 2008, the eve of my 18th birthday, I was really excited because I was able to go to Japan for the field trip with my friends from high school. So it would be my 18th birthday in Tokyo, Japan! Moreover, I told my friends that my birthday was the 15th of July, so I was 100 percent sure that they would give me a surprise birthday party.
At the night of my birthday eve, just before the midnight, I went to the supermarket by myself to give some party preparing time for my friends. I thought since we were going to have a party that night, I might need some snacks and drinks for everyone. I bought some snacks and beer for my birthday party and came back to the hotel room expecting the cake and the surprise party. When I entered the room, there were two girls watching the television. I was a little bit confused because the room was completely clean, there were absolutely no sign of a "surprise party".
"Guys, I’m back.",
I spoke quietly and entered the room, wondering where everyone was. There were two bags full of snacks and the beer bottles in my hands.
"Well, ChaiHyeon. What are those in your hands? Where have you been? We've watching this hilarious show, come and join us."
Standing on the door step, alone, my face turned red like a tomato. I noticed that my friends weren't actually preparing me a surprise party! Maybe they didn’t even know that my birthday had past 10 minutes away already. I tried hard not to cry because of this kind of silly thing. I tried to sound as cool as possible.
"Well, the thing is… Hey, it's my birthday, today. The July 15th, remember? You guys are really mean! Come on, I bought some snacks and stuff. I am officially a grown up now so let's drink and hang out all night! Where's everyone?"
"Are you serious? It’s your birthday? Oh, we are so sorry, ChaiHyeon. We didn't know that. Sorry! Um… everyone is, actually, the thing is…. they are at the swimming pool in the hotel. Sorry"
I was embarrassed even hearing their excuses. It was my 18th birthday and everybody didn't know that. I didn't know what to say. I looked down and tried to find something cool to say, to break this awkward moment, and to become the coolest girl ever. But it was too hard to keep myself from crying that I could not speak a word.
Just then, the door was wide open.
"Ta-Dah! Surprise! Happy Birthday ChaiHyeon!"
All of my friends rushed into the room. They were holding a strawberry cake, with teasing smiles on their faces. Indeed, it was "really" a surprise birthday party. They knew I was expecting a party, so they've been planning to give me a real surprise party. On that wonderful night, I've got 18 roses, and a perfume from the boy I secretly liked from a semester ago. That could be the perfect birthday gift by itself. But the most special gift, of course, was that surprise party my friends gave me.