1st Draft of Chapter 5
Rediscovery of family
As usual, I went to school and did my homework at home. What an exemplary life for a student. I have one younger sister who is 2 years younger than me. And she is the only one who works and has regular incomes in my family. I rarely have conversation with her, so I made an important decision – have some talks with my sister for the first time in my life.
At 7 o’clock, there was a sound of door open. “I’m home!” my sister shouted. My heart beats faster after heard her voice. I went out to living room and said hello to her with a welcome voice to show that I’ve been waiting her. Her eyes were bloodshot just like a vampire’s eyes. I hovered around her and kept saying useless words.
“How’s work? Did you have a good day? I had a good day. I think this colder than last year. Don’t you think so?” I said.
“Are you OK? You seem unusual today. Do you want to say something to me? What do you want? Just say it” She replied. Her voice reveals that she definitely knew that I’m going to ask her some favors. We usually speak to each other friendly only when we need some problems or helps.
“I need to interview you for my homework” I said. She sighed with relief. She probably thought that I’m going to ask her for some money.
“Ah…Ok….what’s the question? Finish it as soon as possible. I need to watch TV” she said.
“You’re an art director. Tell me about that when you interested in art and how?” I asked her the first question of my interview immediately after her reply.
“You’re my brother but you don’t know how I started art and when? What a shame! You know that I was in New Zealand for study when I was a high school student, right? I wasn’t interested in art but one of my art teachers asked me to do art. At that time, I wasn’t sure about what I’m going to do for my future, so I decided to do it without hesitation. There wasn’t enough time to for me to learn and get prepared to go to University. I only had one year. But I tried my best because I had no other choices. Of course, I received a lot private lessons, but I didn’t meet my friends for a year and was only focused on my goal. And now, I became an art director” she spoke with flags flying. I can feel that she really proud of herself during her speaking. Her eyes were shining brightly just like stars in the sky.
“Now, let’s move on to next question. You worked in New Zealand before and got a job in Korea now. Tell me some differences between New Zealand and Korean Company” I asked.
“Your question is getting complicated. Make me thinking. Hm…” She frowned to show her tiresome feeling. “Do you know name of the company I worked? She said.
“No……” I answered and avoided eye contact with her.
“I knew it. Forget it. When I received one project in New Zealand advertising company, I had to do all the procedures alone like getting an idea, planning for it, and etc. I guess it makes me to have more responsibility about my work, and also gives me high level of effectiveness. Plus it makes me to work actively. I think I easily got a job in Korea because of that experience. In Korea, there are only a few people who can do all the things by themselves. But the system is different in Korea. Each member of the team receives parts of the project. All they need to do is just work on their assigned parts. It takes long time to finish just one project compared to do it alone, and also makes employees to work passively. And as you know, I really don’t like to work overtime. No overtime in New Zealand. Never! Unless I don’t miss the deadline! No problem at all. But in Korea, the company tends theirs workers to work overtime. What’s worse, they give me a project just an hour before leaving. Rubbish!” she said. I saw razor beam coming out from her eyes. “Whenever they try to make me work overtime, I tell them that I’m going to start that project on next day, and leave the office. There’s no point to stay and start the project just an hour before leaving time. I finish that project on time! No problem at all. I never miss deadline, and that’s why I’m still working there. Anyway overtime working is the most useless part that I really hate about Korean companies” she added.
“I guess you definitely prefer New Zealand working-style, right? Then, why you work in Korea, not in New Zealand or other countries?” I asked her last question.
“I prefer to work overseas but I don’t want to live by myself. I already spent long time alone. More than 10 years! That’s enough. I also want to live with my family. You don’t know how bad it is to live alone overseas. You know what? For me, it’s more comfortable and easy to work in Korea” She answered with a big smile.
The first long time conversation between me and my sister successfully finished. Before this conversation, she was the most selfish person I’ve have ever met in my life. But I realized that I was totally misunderstood her. She cares family and knows more about social things than me. Even though she’s my younger sister, she becomes one of my mentors. Rediscovery of my sister! So proud of her now!
1. I like the way you described your sister's eyes. For example, Her eyes were shining brightly just like stars in the sky. I saw razor beam coming out from her eyes. These sentences were effective to support your sister's statement.
ReplyDelete2. In paragraph 3, the meaning of "do art" wasn't clear. It was too general. Also, "one of my art teachers asked me to do art" I think "ask" is not proper word here. Maybe you can change it to "suggest".
3.Rediscovery of my sister! So proud of her now!
I think these two sentences are thesis statement of this essay.
4. "Do you know name of the company I worked?"
"No……”I knew it. Forget it.
These quotations well describe the relationship between you and your sister.
5. I think there were too many direct quotations and they were too long. It would be better if you divide them and add some indirect quotations.
6. In the last paragraph, you said that your sister was the most selfish person you've ever met. This was kind of sudden and abrupt to me. If you explain the reason briefly, the essay will flow more smoothly.
200702094 Chong rim Yoo
ReplyDelete1. I liked how you started your writing. I could know that it is a challanging thing for you to have a conversation with your sister. It got my attention.
2. The part where your sister tells you the reason why she works in Korea, "you know what?" Seems to be pretty akward. It was hard for me to understand how that sentence related in the paragraph.
3. The last sentence in your last paragraph seems to be your main thesis; "rediscovery of my sister!so proud of her now!"
4. You have a lot of quotation. "You are my brother and you don't know how i starte art.. ....what a shame!" This shows how you and your sister were not close enough.
5. As I said you have lots of quotations. It is too long and complicated. Shorten some quotations or makeit to indirect quotation.
6. I could see some grammar problem but the overall structure is good:) you really gave a specific details but try some editing to make some sentences simple. Great writing:)
Final Draft of Chapter 5
ReplyDeleteRediscovery of family
As usual, I went to school and did my homework at home. What an exemplary life for a student. I have one younger sister who is 2 years younger than me. And she is the only one who works and has regular incomes in my family since both my father and mother retired from work and do nothing these days. I rarely have conversation with her, so I made an important decision - interview her for the first time in my life.
At 7 o’clock, there was a sound of door open. “I’m home!” my sister shouted. My heart beats faster after heard her voice. I went out to living room and said hello to her with a welcome voice to show that I’ve been waiting her. Her eyes were bloodshot just like a vampire’s eyes. I hovered around her and asked useless things like how’s work? Did you have a good day?
“Are you OK? You seem unusual today. What do you want? Just say it” She replied. Her voice reveals that she knew that I’m going to ask her some favors. We usually speak to each other friendly only when we need some helps or have problems, especially related to money.
“I need to interview you for my homework” I said. She sighed with relief. She probably thought that I’m going to ask her for some money.
“Ah…Ok….what’s the question? I need to watch TV so finish it quickly” she said.
Her job is an art director who designs and directs advertising stuffs. And she’s been working for 6 years now– 3 years in New Zealand and 3 years in Korea. I asked her some questions regarding her job experiences.
“Tell me about when you first started design works, and how?” I asked her the first question of my interview.
“You’re my brother. But you don’t know when and how I started it? What a shame! Listen carefully. You know that I was in New Zealand when I was a high school student, right? I didn’t have any ideas about things related to art. But one of my art teachers suggested me to take her art class. At that time, I wasn’t sure about what I’m going to do for my future, so I accepted her suggestion without hesitation. I only had one year to prepare for university entrance. But I made it. I studied Advertising Design in university. I found that I really enjoy building creative things. And since then, I interested in design works” she spoke with flags flying. Her eyes were shining brightly just like stars in the sky.
“OK. I got it. Let’s move on to next question. You worked in New Zealand before and got a job in Korea now. Tell me some differences between New Zealand and Korean Company” I asked.
“This question is quite complicated. Make me thinking. Hmm…” She frowned to show her tiresome feeling. “By the way, do you know name of the company I worked? She said.
“No……” I answered and avoided eye contact with her.
“I knew it. Forget it. When I received one project in New Zealand advertising company, I had to do all the procedures alone like getting ideas, planning, and etc. I guess it makes me to have more responsibility about my work, and also gives me high level of effectiveness. Plus it makes me to work actively. I think I easily got a job in Korea because of that experience. In Korea, there are only a few people who can do all the things by themselves. The working system is different in Korea. Each member of the team receives parts of the project. All they need to do is just work on their assigned parts. It takes long time to finish just one project compared to do it alone. And it also makes employees to work passively” Her voice rose higher and higher when she speaks about Korean company’s working styles.
She said that she never had overtime workings in New Zealand. And she told me that it’s ineffective pushing employees to work overtime unless their work is not finished in assigned time.
ReplyDelete“What’s worse, they give me a project just an hour before leaving. Rubbish!” she said with anger voice. I saw razor beam coming out from her eyes.
“There’s no point to stay and start the project just an hour before leaving time. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that overtime working is the most useless part” she added. An old saying ‘when in Rome, do as the Romans do’ flashed across my mind.
“I guess you definitely prefer New Zealand working style, right? Then, why you work in Korea, not in New Zealand?” I asked her the last question.
“I prefer to work overseas but I don’t want to live by myself. I already spent long time alone. More than 10 years! That’s enough. I want to live with my family. You don’t know how lonely it is to live alone in foreign country” she answered. I felt sorry after hearing her saying because I didn’t really care about her when she was in New Zealand. I was busy looking around and enjoy myself when visited there. What’s worse is that I rarely called her.
The first interview with my sister successfully finished. It was a wonderful time having a little bit of conversation with my sister. No matter she works or not, she was just a little child in my eyes. But now, I realized that she’s not a child anymore. She cares our family a lot, and knows more about social things than me meaning that she’s a big girl now. In addition, she becomes one of my mentors, even though she’s my younger sister. Rediscovery of my sister! So proud of her now!