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"It was awesome." She's my oldest sister, Jung yoon park. She recalls the graduation recital with smile.
When she was 20 years old she came to USA . As she suddenly changed to study piano again, my parents opposed to her plan. She had no money to buy a piano. Nobody readily gave a job for this little Korean girl. She hardly got a job at the copy store because she had to earn money for tutoring. A gay with pink nail often came to make fun of her and sometimes she was laughed by other people because she couldn't speak English very well but she didn't care at all. She only thought about piano. Like this, she took the class in the afternoon and worked at night. She cut down on sleep practicing piano. "I can't do it again, I was fully absorbed in piano." Finally the little Korean once nobody cared graduated with top honors. She said with excitement. "Everyone gave me a standing ovation!!"
"mommy" Hajun broke the silent when she lost in sweet memories. Now she became mother of two sons. "Are you gonna play piano again?" I asked her. "Surely, someday.." I see the old piano covered with dust over there. Looking forward for her to sitting the chair again, I wrapped up the interview. |
Saturday, January 12, 2013
JaeminPark/ch5/first draft
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1. It was nice to read the story about your sister who finally succeeded in fulfilling her dream. She seems decisive and patient because she had to confront her parents who opposed to her dream. That kind of encouraged me to achieve my goal.
ReplyDelete2. You said that your sister changed to study piano, not mentioning what she was studying before. It would be better if you write it on final draft. Also I'm not sure if she came to USA because she changed her dream or she changed her dream after she came to the US.
3. Your thesis statement might be that you learned what happiness is from your sister who confronted families to achive her dream and finally succeeded in it.
4. "Finally the little Korean once nobody cared graduated with top honors."
5. I think you can add some more quotations from the interview. That will help the readers get more interested in the essay.
6. Maybe you can add some more details and what your sister said, especially when she had hard times in the US.
I like the organization of the piece of writing, starting with a quotation. It's more novel-like.
ReplyDeleteBut, pretty much everything is unclear. <- This sentence is unclear too, if you know what I mean by this, you're gonna find out what's unclear if you go over your writing again.
And you could have added more detailes, such as her face expression, her tone, etc.
"Surely, someday.." This one is the most effective, first I thought the one that says she's absorbed in piano but now I think this is better, because she is saying her strong will toward it but at the same time, it expresses her uncertainty about the future.
For sure, you need to add more detailes about the whole story and your sister herself. Appearance, atmosphere, and her deeper thoughts - the last one can be more detailed since she is your family. I suggest you do it!
Seongyool Myung